It's a mere 4 days before the movie where we get to see our favorite foursome. I've been watching the trailers (Spike TV has a series of hilarious ones) and it's been hard not to get excited.
I have to keep reminding myself that the movie is not going to be nearly as wonderful as some of the fanfictions on here.... because it's a Hollywood movie. Bay and Hollywood don't think we, the movie-goers, are intelligent enough to handle multi-faceted characters.
Here are some predictions about the movie coming out. On most of these, I hope I'm wrong.
1. We're gonna get some BOOM-BOMB-BAY-EXPLOSIONS!!!
If there's one thing that characterizes a Michael Bay movie, it's explosions. 70% of the explosions will be unnecessary and just add lots of confusing light and sound--you've probably already have seen the trailer where the Turtles beat up the Foot in a subway. Flashing, flickering lights make it near impossible to follow the action. This particular trick of distraction and disorientation in place of a nicely choreographed fight scene is a standard in Bay films and unfortunately Hollywood is following suit. It's annoying--I'm going to go see my favorite characters. Being blinded and deafened in a movie theater is not my objective.
2. We're going to see Sexism
If you're a character in a Bay movie, your fate is set by the way you appear. If the character has cleavage her IQ drops 50 points.
Girls can't be smart in the Bay-verse but they do have to be beautiful. I'll be pleasantly surprised if Meg Fox gets to say many more multi-syballic words other than... "Nin-ja...Mu-tant...Tur-tle...Teen-age-errs?" Oh my god just shoot me now. I experienced physical pain when she said that. It was like watching a drunk Sarah Palin cope with stringing words together.
Additionally, only "bad" girls get to be sassy or interesting, because hey, having boobs and a brain constitutes a threat to our white male brothers in the Bay-verse.
There's something called the Bechdel Test. Bay films, and most of Hollywood films, fail this simple test concerning sexism. In order to pass the Bechdel test, the film in question simply has to have two women characters who talk to each other about something other than a male character. That's it. That's the test. Even in the trailer, in that scene with Whoopi Goldberg, the movie fails the test. Maybe that's a bad example because the TMNT are male and the movie would "pass" if our heroes were heroines. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_…. Still, I doubt we're going to see two strong females (hey, I've heard Karai makes a cameo) talk to each other.
Additionally, there will be no gays. At all. A man who likes other men or a woman who prefer other women as romantic partners is simply too threatening to the Sexism of the Bay-verse and action-movie Hollywood. We've got a white male and a white female character, there's a 60% chance of romantic tension between those two and ONLY those two. Any of the other characters showing sexuality will be repressed/ taken down/ made fun of by the movie. Intelligent Gay Protagonists are sadly far too advanced a concept in this day and age.
3. Racism will be reinforced.
In the Bay-verse only the white people in the movie will be capable of understanding what's happening (thus, I think, the introduction of Verne...who took the place of Casey because of the subtenant of 'jocks can't be smart'). If the character is of color, plot exposition will be a main part of the majority of conversations they carry. I predict multiple "explaining things to Mikey" conversations. It will be painful.
Only very recently has Hollywood been dropping this notion that people of color can't be intelligent but they still have to be funny. If the character is of color and shows intelligence there's a 90% chance that dude is evil in Hollywood's eyes. Smart and not funny? Guess which team you're going to be on.
Proof is already in the trailer. Eric Sachs is supposed to take the place of Oroko Saki. Why? Was the original TMNT storyline racist? Or does Hollywood just feel "safer" when the evil dude who has all the power is white? Why is the race of the antagonist an issue?
This racism will extend to the Turtles. Donatello can't be the multi-dimensional-travelling genius we all know and love. He's a turtle! He's only a geek interested in wifi! Likewise, turtle stereotypes will be pounded into our heads. Leo won't get to joke. Raph will be unnecessarily angsty. Mikey will be a dumb goofball. Stereotypes will be fulfilled because it's easier than actually creating characters and plotlines, thus leaving more time for explosions and rave parties!
4. We're going to see the most insidious of stereotypes: Uglyism
The character is ugly? Translation: evil or intelligent with a slight chance that he or she is both. This is how moviegoers will know that Donatello's smart: Granny glasses. Man, I got pissed off when they shoved him in taped up, nerdy-ass granny glasses. Additionally, that's how Hollywood logic works to make sure moviegoers know Whoopi's the TV boss--she's not a fashion plate. She's given up looking human to pursue her career. This is what Hollywood is teaching the younger generations. Look first and assume you know a person.
5. Brother spat.
The first Turtle movie plot? Brother spat. The second movie was about "Little brother" Keno trying to help...and then Raph initiates a minor spat by going behind Leo and Splinter's back and getting Keno involved. The third movie's plot had a subplot about Mikey interacting with his brothers and growing up amid the painful silliness. He had a love interest, but he's a turtle so it never panned out. The fourth movie? Entirely a brother spat again. It's like the only story that makes sense to Hollywood because God forbid the Turtles don't have a problem with one another. Leo and Raph are going to have it out and it's either going to be the "why" behind the entire plot of this new movie or just a subplot.
5 and 1/2. Because of the brother spat, Raph gets character development.
He's the only one who consistently does in the movies. He's the only one with an issue! And guess what, anger and violence are powerful character development tools in the Bay-verse. Talking out your problems is for chick flicks, right? Here's how the movie will pan out: I predict one hour of "turtles are discovered (let's have pizza)" peppered with "Raph is an ass", followed by a half hour of "oh no my brothers are captured", followed by 45 minutes of "rescue" and 15 minutes or less of "awesome, we are brothers (insert possible second pizza scene here)!"
The other turtles will be left to split a handful of food and pop-culture references and maybe a few turtle related puns. The majority of the movie will be explosions and disorienting fight scenes.
6. We'll see the promise of a sequel.
Even the 2007 movie promised a sequel. When the TMNT didn't have Bay at the helm they have been the subject of 4 movies and three cartoon series. They are marketable. Was there a market for three Transformer movies? I'm leaning towards 'no'. The turtles clearly have a market. I'm just sorry the franchise has racist, sexist, ugliest Bay-riffic explosions taking over. Maybe we'll get the movie-vication of the 2003 series. One can hope.
Again, I will be pleasantly surprised if I'm proven wrong on any of these, barring #6.
Got any predictions that I've overlooked? Please share in the comments!